i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
