First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
