grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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