At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
