I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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