i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
