I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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