I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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