my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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