so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
