My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
