Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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