I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
