So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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