you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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