sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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