Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
