I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
