the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
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