The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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