She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
