...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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