I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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