if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Randomize
