I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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