Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
