I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
