What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
