im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
