I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Randomize
