Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
