I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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