my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
