when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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