sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
