I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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