My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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