I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
