I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Randomize
