you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Randomize
