Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
