i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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