you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
