why im i the only drunk person in the library?
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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