1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I am spending my child support on dildos
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
pray to the hookup gods
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
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