i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
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