Your dad touched me again.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
