Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
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