You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
