So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Randomize
